Carson came down with a fever over the weekend and was really cuddly and tired. He actually asked to go to bed. Very strange request! I can't even count on one hand the amount of times he's asked to go to bed!! I didn't feel like I was missing out on the gym the next morning when I stayed home in bed with my little boy. Maybe a year ago I would have been more resentful that I was "stuck at home", but I have begun to shift my perspective on time.
Time does not stop. Time keeps ticking away each day. We do NOT get another chance to do anything twice. We have today, we have now. Most of us know this, it's very logical, but I'm pretty sure most of us think with our emotions more than our logic.
Over the last 18 months, I have made many personal discoveries about myself. Things I want to change and improve. I'm learning that it takes a lot of practice to really master a skill and to change an old way of thinking. For example, when things are out of my control. Carson or Harrison are sick and I suddenly am "trapped" in the house, my plans are changed, I can't go to the gym, I can't socialize or get anything done. The thing is, that shit just doesn't matter. What matters is that my boys NEED me for those hours or days. It's not a burden. It's a gift, an honour and an opportunity to just STOP and really strengthen my bond with them.
I've started to look at sick days this way and it's taken until TODAY for me to really enjoy it. I still carved out some yoga yesterday, but I almost felt like I didn't need to escape. I wanted to be home. I genuinely wanted to care for him. We all still need our own personal time to continue to grow and nurture ourselves. When we make time to do this, we can love and care for others from a more genuine place.
I'm realizing that some of the days I am experiencing now are demanding on all fronts, but that they are so extremely precious and I will miss them so so much. I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to stress out about feeling like I failed at having a perfect meal plan this week because I couldn't make it to the 3 stores I needed to hit to buy all the ingredients... will it matter in 5, 10 or 20 years? Nope! That's a question I'm asking myself about many things lately. Try it! It might help you also change your mind about what is and isn't important to you.
As much as I am happy about my new positive shift in how I react to changes I cannot control, I will say that I still struggle. I sometimes still react to something with old habits and have to scramble to save myself from reverting back into a more negative person. It's taking a lot of practice, patience and also forgiving myself for when I do mess up.
It's ok to mess up. I probably do something "wrong" every day. It's what you learn from those moments and how you tackle it the next time that counts. It's even just ADMITTING that there is something you want to change. It takes courage, vulnerability and time to mold yourself into being your true self. Peeling back all the layers that you have built up your entire life and shedding the light on who you truly are isn't easy. It's work, but it's an investment in yourself and it's freedom in being uniquely yourself.
What I am asking myself to do is be the best Mother I can be, but I can't do that without working on my own inner struggles. As I sort them out, I'm seeing huge differences in how I parent.
I end my day today feeling grateful for the extra cuddles and time I have spent with Carson over the last 3 days. We have napped together, read stories, watched shows and talked a lot. It's time that's simple, but has so much meaning to each of us. I will miss him when he goes to school again tomorrow, but hold on to the moments we have shared together.
