I didn't know this transition would be as long as it has been. People tell you things before your kid goes to school for the first time, but it's hard to imagine it all or even believe it all. How could it really take 3 months for Carson to adjust? No way!
One hard thing for me is not really knowing what he's doing all day. Loss of complete control over who he plays with and talks to. I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but he's only 4, so I like to know what he's up to.
The biggest change is how tired he is. He still comes home and wants to watch a show. For a while he asked me to leave him alone because he needs his own time. That was hard for me. I have struggled with the fact that I don't even really see my own kid anymore. The mornings are just rushing around packing his lunch and getting him to school (I'm so fortunate and get to walk to drop him off and pick him up with his little brother), on weekends, Carson is glued to his Daddy who plays with him almost whenever he wants. He also starts at 815, so it's pretty early. When he comes home he's a zombie and like I said, wants to be left alone. He goes to bed quite early too and has very low energy. I know this is all "normal", but I just miss him.
Carson's treats for his "sweet spot" in his lunch box :)
I worked part-time when he was 11 months and then I've been off with him since April 2014 full time. It's hard to let go of him now. All the days we had together that I perhaps didn't realize were as precious as they seem now. It just feels like I'm missing a part of myself. I remember when Carson was 2 and thinking that it would be nice to have a break when he's in school, but it's not what I thought it would be. I know there are so many positive things about school, I'll get to those, but I wanted to just explain how this has affected me as his Mama.
A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a decline in his appetite and his bottom lip was red and chapped from biting it. I also noticed he started to bite his nails. All of these things are new. He's also been putting his hands in his mouth more often. These were all signs of anxiety to me. His face looked tired too. He for sure has lost some weight. So, I booked a meeting with his teacher to talk to her about my concerns.
His teacher was surprised I booked a meeting with her because he has such great days with her. She began to fill me in on how he's been doing in the classroom. I heard many positive things. I heard that he is kind to others, that he has empathy towards others and wants to make them feel better if they are hurt or crying, I heard he is eager and excited to learn new things and encourages other kids to do the same. Wow. So, he's doing fine? Really? That's it? I guess part of me almost felt jealous of the teacher for being able to see so many things I didn't know about or have anything to do with. She gets to spend all this fun time with him while I was feeling like I just see a grumpy kid most nights. It was very relieving to gain some insight into his routine and his behaviour at school. I've always felt very comfortable sending him to school. His teachers are seriously amazing and I am very grateful for how they care for Carson.
So why then, six weeks later, after all this good stuff, did Carson not want to go to school today? Why did he cry and cling onto me? On picture day? Did something happen? Was someone mean to him? Why did my heart break as I walked home? Why do I still cry and miss him more than ever? Why didn't anyone tell me about this?
I know for a fact that Carson is tired. He had swimming lessons last night and that's a busy night too. He was up at 6am this morning too. It's just a lot. He's only 4 years old. Even for a busy boy like him, this has been tougher than I expected.
So, what should I do about my feelings? I have some ideas and would love to hear any other suggestions.
1) I'm going to make darn sure that I soak up ever single ounce of Harrison's next 3 years home with me. I shouldn't say I didn't do that with Carson, but now that he's in school, I just see how fast it all really does go and how all of a sudden, your baby isn't a baby anymore... so, so FAST!
2) I'm going to scheudle MOMMY & CARSON ONLY time every single weekend. Even an hour. I just miss simple things. Even going to Costco with him. I miss listening to him talk and his sound effects when he hangs onto the cart. He's my little helper.
3) I'm going to keep him home on days I know he's tired. Maybe only 1-2 times per month, but I'm going to give him some rest and some time at home in his pj's with some movies. He needs that. He has an entire year next year to get ready for grade 1. He doesn't need to be pushed so much this year, if he needs a break.
4) I'm going to stop making myself feel guilty for sending him to school. He's supposed to be spreading his wings right now and from what I heard from the teacher, we've been doing a good job so far establishing some good roots.
I hope that this helps some other first time Mama's going through the transition to full day kindergarten.
xo
marie
