I still remember when we first had Carson after the initial "parent high" wore off I thought:"What did we do?". Our life had dramatically changed in just 11 hours. We became parents.
I remember always thinking "I want things to be like they were. When are things going to be normal again?". It took me some time and I struggled through many emotions before realizing a simple truth-- nothing was ever going to be the way it was before. We can't go back to the days where we could sleep in and do whatever we wanted. We would not just have free time to just waste sitting at Chapters sipping on $10 Starbucks coffee. Leaving the house was an event, not just a last minute decision anymore.
Stress. Stress. Stress. Adjusting to a new baby was stressful. That took a huge toll on us as a couple as well. The constant competition of "who has it harder". Working full time or being at home with a crying baby stuck to your boobs almost all day and night!
Once I learned to accept my life the way it was and stopped trying to "make things the way they were", everything shifted. I was happier. I was free. I was able to be more present. I let go of control.
Now, almost 3 1/2 years since becoming a Mother for the first time, I'm still learning acceptance, but this time it's not about being a parent, it's about my body.
Post-baby body is one thing that people kind of joke about. You get the comments when you're pregnant the first time. Things such as: "It's like an apron." I don't think any women who hasn't had a baby gets that until she sees it for the first time. Horrific. Or "You're eating for two! The weight will just melt right off if you're breastfeeding!" EFFF YOU! Not true for me. I shouldn't have eaten so much (the first time!).
The reality for me (not every woman is the same) is that it takes time. A lot of time. Especially while breastfeeding and not really sleeping. Loosing weight without sleeping more than 3 hours in a row is pretty hard for your body. Same thing with all the crazy hormones that breastfeeding comes with. Super fun.
Thankfully with my second I gained 20 less pounds than with my first, so I'm well ahead of the game at the moment. It still doesn't mean that I love the body I'm in.
I've been trying very hard to love myself and accept who I am right now in this moment. I've been trying to say I don't care about the loose skin and the fact I can't wear any of my pre-baby clothes. I've been trying really hard to find inner peace within myself. I've been trying to look in the mirror and see the beauty and not the ugly. The thing is, I've been lying to myself. A lot.
I don't like my body. I never will until I get back to where I was. I won't be happy until my boobs are back to being A cups and not E cups. I know this body is temporary. I'm actively trying to change it, but at the exact same time, I'm trying to LOVE it. How can one do this? It feels like I'm fighting with myself.
How can I accept my body for what it is now when I'm also trying to make it into something else? It's an impossible task.
One Mama friend gave me some advice one day and it made so much sense, we need to let it go and know that we're working toward it every day. We're making the right choices to reach our goal. I'm keeping that in the back of my mind every week.
My main motivation is my boys. Both of them. I created them with this body, I'm now nourishing one of them each day with my body. That is enough. That has to be enough. I don't want to miss these days focused on vanity. Yes, I'm always going to thrive to get my body back, but it will come back, just like it did after Carson. I'm healthy, I have a beautiful life. I have it all. Who cares about 15 pounds.
I accept myself as I am in this moment in time.
