This morning I dropped Carson off at his daycare and went to the gym. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but I had to do it. I can't believe how bad I feel when I do things like this to him.
As I was walking away from the house, I could still hear him screaming. I felt awful. I'm making my kid cry and be upset just so I can workout. Tomorrow is his first full day at daycare. He will only be going once a week while I work a full day. It's not even that bad, I'm still with him 70% of the time, but I still feel like the worst Mother ever!!
As a new Mom I think this whole guilt thing is just going to stick around, or I'm breaking myself in and getting super strong for the next one. I feel bad all the time for doing things for myself, so I just don't. I always put Carson first. That's ok though. I want to do that as much as I can. I take time for myself when I can. Luckily, I have a more than capable husband who supports me and cares about giving me time for myself too.
It's funny because I know Carson needs to experience these things, but I never thought it would be this hard. I knew being a Mom would be work, but I never expected to feel bad just for integrating him into daycare. Guilt, guilt, guilt! In the end, all these hard and stressful things just makes me stronger. Carson benefits from it too. He's learned that I come back and that it's ok to be without me for short or longer periods of time.
The guilt of a Mother....
