Ok, so I am skipping some really cool stories to write about what's going on now, but I promise to get back to crawling and our road trip to London later. I just wanted to write now about this because it's happening now and fresh in my head.
Carson has decided he doesn't have an interest in breastfeeding anymore. Yes, that was hard to type. It's only been about 4 days since the last time I nursed him and I am still a little emotional about it. I just wasn't ready yet. It seems too early. I was prepared to nurse him until he didn't want it anymore, within reason. I wasn't planning on having a toddler grabbing my boobs in public for a little sip.
Over the past couple of months Carson has started to take less interest in nursing during the day, but I figured that out. I just started feeding him when he was sleepy and he was getting breastmilk at least 4-5 times a day on top of any solids and water we were giving him. However, I was feeding him twice at night and those were much longer feedings than his daytime feedings were. Carson eventually stopped wanting his mid-afternoon feeding. I tried to force him and that isn't the best idea.
He then started biting me on top of it all. I tried to ignore it, but it freaking hurts! He has these two little bottom puppy teeth and they are sharp. I was getting more and more frustrated and so was he. Then I got the flu and my milk supply quickly slowed down. He still wasn't willing to nursing very well. I tried for more than 2 days to get him to feed and nothing was working. I had to give in and give him a bottle of my expressed milk. I decided to rent a hospital grade pump and was determined to keep him off formula (after reading the ingredients I was freaking out!).
Once I started pumping I wasn't able to express enough milk to keep up with the bottles he was drinking. I had to supplement with formula. Yes, I didn't want to, but to me the most important thing is Carson and his health. He needs to eat. If he won't nurse and I wasn't pumping enough milk to give him what he needed, I had to use formula.
After a day of giving him four 6-8 ounce bottles he sure turned into a much happier baby. So although it was very difficult for me to give him formula, I had no choice and he obviously needed it. He simply wasn't getting enough calories during the day before. His diapers are much fuller now and he has been content. These are many indications that he simply wasn't getting enough milk from me. Now that he is fully hydrated and full, he is also sleeping 9 hours through the night. This is a miracle! I have had two nights of real sleep and it's amazing.
After a day of giving him four 6-8 ounce bottles he sure turned into a much happier baby. So although it was very difficult for me to give him formula, I had no choice and he obviously needed it. He simply wasn't getting enough calories during the day before. His diapers are much fuller now and he has been content. These are many indications that he simply wasn't getting enough milk from me. Now that he is fully hydrated and full, he is also sleeping 9 hours through the night. This is a miracle! I have had two nights of real sleep and it's amazing.
I was going to keep pumping and giving him my milk mixed with formula, but it's just so much work. Pumping 4 times a day, warming up the milk, and cleaning everything! I just want to enjoy my baby and not be tied to a pump. If I already need to give him formula I might as well save myself some time and stress and just go all the way. Also, I already had my last night nursing Carson and emotionally it's hard trying to feed him and have him reject me over and over. I just want the milk to be gone. It's not the same having a machine take the milk out of your boobs. It's so mechanical. I miss holding my baby and having him be near me. I don't need to be reminded that he doesn't want me anymore every time I pump.
I do miss nursing already. I always knew that no matter when it ended I would miss it. He's not my little baby anymore. He's growing up very fast already and changing day by day. This experience has forced me to let him be more independent. The end of breastfeeding is very bittersweet. I miss our special time together that no one else had, but I am also looking forward to being more free. I can actually go out for more than a few hours without worrying about having to be home to nurse. Now, anyone can feed him and I can try to get out more. Breastfeeding does really tie the Mother down. I would do it again in a heartbeat. The bond Carson and I share is beautiful and I am proud to have given him the best start in life possible. I made it through my own challenges and enjoyed everything about nursing. Now I just have to go through the weaning stage. I'm just hoping it isn't going to last too long or be too painful.
Here are some links that I found helpful when I was going through this stuff.
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